Learning to Relax

By Heidi L. Vanderheiden, copyright 5/27/08

There are many steps you can take to feel calmer and happier. I’ve been struggling to overcome anxiety since elementary school, perhaps earlier. Both of my parents and various other family members seem to have problems with anxiety, so I believe there’s a strong genetic component to my anxiety.

Trauma Increases Anxiety

When I was about 10, I was molested during an Easter egg hunt at Zayres department store, and this added a new level of anxiety to my life. Such a trauma is difficult for a young girl to overcome without some lasting negative effects, especially when she doesn’t have the support of her family. When I first stumbled back to see my parents, they didn’t understand my reactions. I was in shock, and my parents thought I was sulking because I hadn’t found any Easter eggs, and my sister had won a stuffed bunny. They scolded me for my behavior.

Fortunately, despite this earliest trauma, the anxiety running in my family, and many later traumatic events, I have learned a great deal about how to relax and be calm, even during many difficult situations.

Meditation is Calming

One of my favorites is meditation and guided imagery. I was never able to meditate until last year. It always sounded so difficult, focusing my brain and ignoring those intrusive thoughts. It used to be almost impossible for me to slow down my thoughts, when my mind kept skipping from subject to subject, telling me why I should be scared of anything I thought of. I would think of applying for a job, and many problems associated with jobs would immediately pop into my mind. “What if I can’t find where I need to drive for the interview? What if there’s no parking? What if someone hits me? What if I hit something while I’m backing in? I don’t have anything to wear. What will I say? What if I get the job and don’t like it? The job looks too difficult. I probably don’t have the experience…” and on and on and around and around my thoughts would go, until I never even sat down to write a resume.

Baths Can Help

Now I know how to slow down those thoughts, how not to let the thoughts carry me away into fear and terror, and occasionally even stop them altogether. One of the first things I do when I get up in the morning is pet my dog. Then I take a calm, relaxing bath with a bit of lavender essential oil I bought at a natural food store.

Breathe In, Breathe Out

After I clean my body in the tub, I’ll lie back as comfortably as I can, and take 12 slow, deep breaths. During each breath, I imagine a healing white light coming in through my forehead and filling my upper chest while I think the words “Love and Peace.” When I breathe out, I imagine that love and peace moving from my upper chest to every part of my body. I try to picture it going tso each part as I breathe out, especially those parts that are particularly sore or tense. In me, this is usually my neck, shoulders and feet. After repeating this breathing cycle 12 times, I finish my bath. Then I unplug the bath water, but stay in the tub until it empties. As the water drains down my body, I imagine all the stress and tension in my body as liquid. Then I imagine the liquid draining out of my body with the bathwater, slowly moving out of my body and down the drain. I pretend the suction of it is pulling relaxation and healing energy into my body from above filling the parts of my body that the water is no longer surrounding. As the water level sinks down, I imagine the relaxation moving down to the top of the water. When the water is completely out of the tub, I imagine my body completely filled with soothing, healing energy. When I stand, I watch the last of the water leave the tub, and picture the last of my stress and negativity being trapped in that water, going down the drain.

Staying Calm

As I continue through my day, I try to keep that level of relaxation with me. When a scary thought pops into my head, I imagine the Universe or God taking care of me, and just imagine watching that thought go through my head and leave me. I just try to watch it, but not get attached to it. I think of it as moving into, then back out of my head slowly, the way clouds move slowly across the sky. I imagine myself as having all the time in the world for anything I need. If someone else gets angry or scared, I remember that that doesn’t mean I have to feel angry or scared, that they can learn to deal with their own fear, and I can learn to deal with my fear without being responsible for their reactions. I remember that I am only responsible for my feelings. I try to think kindly of them and remember that they are probably having difficulty learning, just as I sometimes do. I am not perfect at this, but I remember that it’s okay to be human.

Sleeping Peacefully

When I finish my day, I go to bed as early as my overactive mind will allow me. When I lay down to go to sleep, I do the 12 breaths again as I did in the morning. Then I imagine a huge golden box on a dais of three golden steps. I close my eyes, and picture all of my anger, pain, fear, discomfort, confusion, and resentments (and anything else I don’t like) going into that big box. I picture my ego, my will, flying into that box. I place all my thoughts, words, feelings, and actions for the next day going into the golden box. Then I picture the box rising into the air and slowly disappearing into the distance. My body relaxes; I turn on my relaxation CD, and go to sleep.

For more information on compassionate communication (also known as nonviolent communication or NVC), e-mail oahunvcinfo@gmail.com or visit www.cnvc.org or e-mail Heidi (hv@aq.org) or call Heidi at (808) 227-7659. Heidi L. Vanderheiden is a life coach and is available for in-person, e-mail, phone Skype, or IM private sessions. Please e-mail or call for a rate quote or a free initial consultation. You can see more information on her background at www.linkedin.com/in/heidivanderheiden.

To join my periodic newsletter by e-mail, please e-mail me at hv@aq.org.

Feel Better Now

Copyright May 30, 2008

Okay, this may sound weird to you. But here’s a suggestion on how to feel better now.

1.) First, figure out what you feel. Are you angry? Sad? Depressed? Scared? Anxious? Frustrated?

2.) Next, figure out what your need is. Not your physical need. I don’t mean that you need to go to the store or that you need $20. I mean, what is your emotional need? Do you need support? Trust? Safety? Rest? Play? Joy? Ease? Understanding? To be heard? To contribute to someone else? We call this a universal life-serving need.

3.) Now, think of a request you can make. You can ask yourself to do something or ask someone else to help you. But you must be willing to accept the word “No”. Don’t ask if you won’t listen to someone telling you “No”. If you aren’t willing to hear a “no,” then what you are making is a demand, not a request.

4.) Now make your request. Start with “Would you be willing to… ”. I might say to myself, “Heidi, I’m feeling overwhelmed, and I need some rest. Would you be willing to take a break for 1/2 hour.”

This is similar to a process called compassionate communication. Several groups of people on Oahu and throughout the world meet together regularly to practice this type of communication.

Please join us at our NEW compassionate communication support group at the United Self Help (USH) office at 2525 S. King St., Suite 303, in Honolulu, Hawaii. For more information on USH, call 808-947-5558. For more information on compassionate communication (also known as nonviolent communication or NVC), e-mail oahunvcinfo@gmail.com or visit www.cnvc.org or e-mail Heidi (hv@aq.org) or call Heidi at (808) 227-7659. Heidi L. Vanderheiden is a life coach and is available for in-person, e-mail, phone Skype, or IM private sessions. Please e-mail or call for a rate quote or a free initial consultation. Information on her background can be found at www.linkedin.com/in/heidivanderheiden.

To join my periodic e-mail newsletter, please e-mail hv@aq.org with River Time Newsletter in the header.